When the director of my MA program at SU referred to me as "offensive" three times in one meeting, I knew the situation was at the breaking point. My logical mind was recognizing his tactic-to avoid any blame for misconduct or at the very least negligence where my academic program details were concerned-the one my first husband called "the best defense is a good attack." At the same time, the multiple double standards flaunted in the discussion made me feel sure they held all the cards and that I had no recourse. The situation was a classic victim/tyrant flare up, which produced a great deal of anxiety in me. So, immediately following that meeting, I scheduled extra therapy sessions with my counselor. Weekly counseling is a requirement of my academic program, but on this day, I asked my counselor if she had a way to assess me for depression. She quickly reached into a file and produced a paper copy of a questionnaire. I think she said it was the Beck Depression Inventory. After asking me every single question and tallying the results, she announced my score of 41, and then explained all the levels - 0-10, 11-20, 21-30, 31-40, and 41 and over- she told me I fell into the category of "extremely depressed."My counselor related her experience of taking antidepressants, and basically told me I needed medication ASAP, and that I should expect to be on them for at least a year.
Taking this bit of information to the next level, I went to see an MD at a local hospital, and came out with a prescription for Citalopram (Celexa). During our brief discussion, the Dr said there are several kinds of antidepressants that do different things with brain chemistry. Some increase dopamine, some increase serotonin, and rarely, some affect your norepinephrine. She said sometimes you need to try one for a while and see what it does, and that you may need to supplement with a second drug until you get the right mix. Just like they say in the commercials. So I say, "it's too bad there isn't some way to test your brain chemicals to see exactly what you need." The Dr nods her head with a crooked smile and says, "There really isn't." The suggested meds were Wellbutrin, which acts on your dopamines, Zoloft and Lexapro, a big favorite, both of which work on your serotnin. Lexapro is also very expensive (in excess of $100 per month for someone uninsured) and then she suggested the one I got, which is only $4.00 at Walmart. She swore it was very similar to Lexapro, but much more affordable. Not very logical, but okay... I am to take it for several weeks and then come back in for a check up. The dosage will most likely need to be increased a few times after I adjust, until we get to the right level for me.
I shared my concerns with the Dr, about how I had literally felt poisoned on an antidepressant 20 years ago (when I tried to drink on it, actually. I didn't tell her that part), and also how I had watched my neighbor lose her appetite, lose sleep and break out in sweats for three weeks while trying to adjust to Zoloft. Despite two positive stories from other women, I still had serious misgivings. But because one symptom of depression is difficulty making a decision, I took the prescription and thanked the doctor. On the way home, I had to drive right past my Naturopath's office. I knew, back when I worked at a progressive MDs office in California ten years ago, that there is a lab test that tests your neurotransmitter activity with urine samples. I stopped in and found out the tests range from $220 to about $350. And when you get the results back, you have at least a $90 visit with the Naturopath as she goes over the results and then tells you what supplements you need to bring up your levels. These are supplements, not psychotropic drugs. They will be more expensive, but I think it would put my mind at ease to see the test results and take supplements that act on exactly the things I am deficient in. The idea of playing a sort of crap shoot with psychotropic drugs that significantly change you and come with sometimes fatal side effects, has always made me very uncomfortable. So I walked out of the Naturopath's office with the least expensive test, for neurotransmitters only, no adrenals, no hormones, and will decide if I can make my well being important enough to write a $220 check.
One thing that really bothers me, though, is that this test has existed for over 10 years. Why does the AMA not recognize it? Why can't the docs test people before giving them these horrible drugs? I'm trying not to be too cynical, but it's hard not to doubt with the evidence of the lab test staring me in the face...
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