Introduction

People have been able to tell by looking at me, for some time now, that I am pretty darned depressed. At grad school for a Mental Health degree in the last 2 years, I learned about one symptom of depression called "flat affect." It means having very little facial expression, being undemonstrative. I've had that all my life. In fact, I was dubbed at some point in my early childhood, "the great stone face."  I have no trouble crying over everything, but laughing is another matter. I experienced most of life's greatest stressors before reaching adulthood- long term financial deprivation, losing a parent to divorce, the deaths of two immediate family members-a brother and my mother. I lost my family home, my beloved dog and nearly all possessions after my second parent died and we had to dissolve the estate. There was also early childhood sexual abuse by close friends of the family, a rape at summer camp and probably others I've blocked out, and, later, spousal abuse and spousal abandonment when my son was an infant and I was in my 20's.

For years, I have avoided taking pharmaceuticals for a few reasons.
One, antidepressants can be darned expensive when you don't have health insurance.
Two, I tried them once before about 20 years ago and felt like I was being poisoned.
Three, a spiritual leader I spoke to said the drugs effectively cut you off from the Divine, creating a barrier between you and the Light.

But my last reason is the one that I think affects me the most.

Four, my maternal grandmother and oldest brother both died from self-inflicted overdoses of pharmaceutical drugs.

Since then, I have had a pretty significant aversion to taking man made medications. In fact, I became a kind of crusader against pharmaceuticals, the industry, and consequently, allopathic medicine, because I saw MDs as glorified drug pushers and all of US society as victims/potential addicts.

I am sure it's beyond a doubt that there is something wrong chemically with me and some members of my family. I can't remember a time when I wasn't depressed, except for brief glimmers, in all of my 50+ years of living. I've done many alternative, holistic and metaphysical practices to temporarily pull myself out of the funk. Several things were effective for a time-
leaving a dangerous environment,
moving to a warmer, sunnier climate,
eliminating simple sugars including alcoholic drinks,
exercising vigorously,
chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo twice a day,
getting enough sleep,
making a concerted effort to observe my mind and not be held sway by it's thoughts and fears,
and doing years of hypno-therapeutic and psychic healing sessions that removed trauma from my energy field.

I worked assiduously at trying to feel good, and feel like I belonged on this planet, for decades. But as the years wore on and life events occurred, I feel like I have backslid considerably.For example, I have
willingly deprived myself of slee( or endured insomnia after my progesterone bottomed out)
worked at soul-destroying jobs for years, for fear of deprivation
stopped exercising
stopped chanting
started eating cookies again,
moved to the grayest region in the USA.

Now feel I cannot even begin to do any of those wonderful life-enhancing activities without help.

A recent incident took place that has become a catalyst for me. A conflict at my University program prompted me to seek an assessment for depression, and seriously consider, for the first time, a pharmaceutical solution. In addition, I learned a nephew is getting married in 8 months. There's nothing like a wedding to motivate a formerly svelte woman to start exercising again. But first I have to pull myself out of the depths.

I decided to do this blog as a journal of my experiences over the next few months. I hope to reapply many of the old methods I know, like sleeping more and chanting regularly and walking, and add new ones that have long been on my bucket list, like yoga and dancing, and add a few that I have blatantly avoided trying, namely some kind of a pill or magic bullet. I plan to investigate the path recommended by the AMA as well as a plan with my Naturopathic doctor. I don't know what will be the ultimate outcome, but my hope is that by my 52nd birthday and my nephew's wedding in November, I will be a new woman. I will be cheerful, smiling, energetic, 50 pounds slimmer, and maybe even outrageously successful in my chosen field. Not too overwhelming, is it? Please stay tuned and see how it goes. I appreciate the company!